Do you remember what it was like before or after middle school gym class (or maybe it was high school for you; I was always old for my age) when everyone would hit the locker room and suddenly you'd be surrounded by shirtless guys, some blindingly hot and some that could cause blindness if you looked for more than 2 seconds? For me, it was like a buffet at which I wasn't allowed to take a bite, which as we all know, is about the most brutal form of torture in existence. Both stimulating and terrifying, like a cup of hot coffee. All I wanted to do was drink in the sight (it's always about eating or drinking something, isn't it?) but staring at cute half-naked (my school made no use of the showering option, so we stopped at half) peers wasn't exactly encouraged (it's always about encouragement, isn't it?) in the public school system for some reason. Go figure. Like my blog.
Anyway, in my experience, Expansion is a lot like gym class in school, except that instead of a locker room it's a pool and instead of being made fun of if you're caught peeking at a fella, the shirtless guys appreciate it. Also, there's not as much running around involved. Now that Expansion is approaching, I hear it popping up in profiles and conversation more. Some guys have known for ages they were going to attend 2010's event and some are undecided; I suppose this post is addressed to them. Keep in mind I have attended exactly 1 Expansion event (last year's) and can claim no expertise. As if that has ever stopped a blogger from writing about something!
So if you're still trying to figure out whether you should go or not, I've compiled a few helpful tips (from a non-expert) in bullet-form in the hopes it will limit rambling (which will completely and utterly fail):
Maybe you shouldn't go if
*You have never ever met anyone from the gainerverse in real life. Unless you live in a tiny weaving village in Antarctica and travel is extremely challenging, your not having met anybody means you have probably flaked or haven't gotten around to making a sincere effort. And no, "we should meet for donuts sometime" does not count as a sincere effort. If you've been scared to make a face to face connection, you will probably be paralyzed and overwhelmed by so many three dimensional fatties (and encouragers) in one place. No, really. Last year one poor chap couldn't move below the big toe after catching sight of the other attendees.
*The number 40 (or McDonald's help you, 30) gives your goosebumps goosebumps. I hate to break it to the 20-somethings and possibly younger among us, but there will be guys over 40 at Expansion. Possibly even over 50! Even worse, they might be handsome! Worse than that, they might have something interesting to say! Worst of all... they might not even care to sneak you off to a cabin and have their old man way with you!
*You're only going because that one tremendously hot studmuffin (spellcheck tells me that's not a word, but I think we know the truth) from New York/ California/ Canada/ the other side of the fence/ the moon whose profile you've admired for years (or months, or since 4:00) is going to be there. First off, he may end up not going after all. Also, his voice is probably way more annoying than you think, unless you've talked on the phone or the Skype monster or something, of course. Then it's just clearer. But putting all your fried eggs in one KFC Double Down is generally not a good idea. I can't say I've ever put up deceptive photos of myself, but I certainly pick the best from a batch I take; if I put up the worst of my self-styled photo shoots, I don't think folks would be so keen to send me a hello and chances are your loverboy has done the same. It's gainer nature (excess yourself don't restrict yourself)! Whether he's a disappointment or better than hoped for, he will not be what you expect and if your focus is on one belly (ok, I'll give you credit for liking his face too) you may want to consider arranging a very special one-on-one episode instead of at Expansion where you'll have to share each other.
Okay, so maybe you SHOULD go if:
* You like the idea of fostering a bit of a sense of community. The first time I ever wandered into the gay neighborhood in a big city I had such a gee-whiz combination of anxiety at being "caught" being gay and relief at not being singled out for it. We don't make sense, do we? I felt similar heading to Expansion last year. Not so anxious, but certainly a sense of belonging. I wasn't "home" exactly, but I was in a place I didn't have to be worried about this odd thing about myself, surrounded by like-minded chaps (variations in interests ranging from pregnancy to inflation to immobility, etc. excluded). Even when gaining wasn't the primary topic of conversation (yes, it happened) it was good to have face to face to face to face reinforcement that we're not alone in this. Assuming that the majority of your interactions within the gainerverse take place, like mine, online, have you ever (or often) found yourself discussing things beyond bellies and donuts? Movies and jobs are a good start, but have you ever been having a chat with an online acquaintance and forgotten for a moment that his screen name is BiggerBellyBustedBeltButtonsBulging2000? Alternately, have your testicles ever spontaneously erupted at the sight of a guy lifting his shirt 4 inches? Either way, you might enjoy what Expansion has to offer. If not, I'll pay you back your entire trip expense* out of pocket myself. *No I won't.
*You know why you're going. I found Expansion quite loosely structured. The event treated attendees as adults who could decide for themselves what to do with their time and with whom to spend it. Were there walking tours and planned meals? Yes. Was every minute of every day planned for us? No. There was a lot of free time to make of the event what we would. A lot of folks seem to think the whole event is an obese orgy, and there may have been some of that behind closed doors but I certainly didn't see it. There was a lot of belly rubbing in the pool, but only for those that wanted to rub and be rubbed. We may have scared off a few families with toddlers, but that's not our fault. If the pool isn't quite your scene (prunes, anyone?) there were plenty of opportunities to eat, of course. "I'm going for pizza; anyone want to join?" would not have been unexpected to hear at any moment in time. Some guys went up and introduced themselves to absolutely every attendee who crossed their paths, while others stuck to the small groups of friends they already knew. If Mean Girls taught me anything, it's that these groups are called cliques. And that cliques aren't always a bad thing, as there is safety in numbers after all. I find the number 922 feels particularly safe. So think about why you want to go, as you will shape your own experience. I wasn't sure exactly why I went last year and I found myself floating around a little confused for the first day or two. It's worth noting that I often float around a little confused for days and weeks at a time.
*You're curious and want to see what all the fuss is about. It's an infrequent and unusual event and the next one won't be for a while. If you're worried you'll regret not going more than going, give it a shot. And if you decide to go, I'll see you there. If not, I won't.
