11 October 2012
22 July 2012
I don't know how much longer I can take this. I've always turned to you for truth and unwavering objectivity. You always tell me how things really are, not what you think I want to hear or the easy way out. But something has changed. Something is not the same. Your story is different every time I come to you. One day you give me one version of events and the next day, or even next hour or week, depending on when I visit, your story changes. How can I trust anything from you when you don't even seem to trust yourself anymore?
Maybe it's something I've done. Perhaps you've felt that I'm a bit embarrassed by you or that I've neglected you, which might be true. But it doesn't mean I love you any less. You've been through so much with me, the highs and the lows, but you've kept me grounded and always let me know where I stood. Until now.
I need to be able to rely on a friend and not worry I'm being deceived or misled. As that's no longer the case, it might be time for us to go our separate ways and for me to find a reliable friend. No, it's definitely the time: brand new 330-lb-capacity Health-o-Meters are on sale at Macy's!
01 December 2011
So you dig my bod* and you agree there should be more of it. Fantastic! You recognize that one of the the obstacles to accomplishing this is my lack of eating far too much. Your altruistic self wants to help. Generous! Here are a few helpful tips, in no particular order, to make the process as smooth and soft (I think I just distracted myself) as possible. Helpful! :
21 July 2011
07 July 2011
There is a popular series of books that started as a spot in Men's Health magazine called Eat This, Not That that compares menu items to determine which is healthier and which is worse for you. On slow news days, morning shows like to trot out examples from the newest edition and make twisty O faces as they learn that the fish tacos are actually more fattening than the burger, or some such thing. I almost used that exact title for this post but didn't want to steal. It's unfortunate, because Anna Karenina would have been so appropriate for this post.
03 January 2011
We live in a 'verse of measurements: waist sizes, scale readings, profile views, and pizza diameters (sorry boys, but "just ate an entire pizza!" is exponentially less impressive when that pizza would fit inside a donut hole). Considering all the numbers that float around our heads and our middles, it's unavoidable that certain comparisons will be made. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I've looked to bigger guys for inspiration and guidance regarding what size I'd like to reach. I've had moments of being pleased with myself for being bigger around than fellows 10 pounds heavier (and 5 inches taller) than me. So when IS there something wrong with number crunching? When it takes the place of Nestle Crunch-ing, of course! No, really, when we start using comparisons to knock ourselves and each other.
I love the freedom to indulge in this admittedly strange interest that all of our websites and blogs (like phildoubt.blogspot.com for example) grant us, but I think sometimes people go a little too far with it all. No, this isn't a post about the psychos among us. Er, um... them; among them. Rather, this is about getting carried away. It's only natural to have preferences, but the distinction can get very blurred between a preference and a requirement. Discovering gaining sites is the pot-bellied pot at the end of the rainbow: a place where our bizarre fantasies aren't so bizarre. There are others like me!
Once we find these places where such a massive preference is met, we can start filtering that preference. Hairy. Smooth. Stretchmarks. No stretchmarks. This is good and fine, but sometimes I think that some of the gainerverse's residents start creating a mold in their heads of an ideal guy who may or more likely does not exist: 6'1"; blonde buzzed short; brown eyes; freckle beneath right eye; pecs covered in a layer of fat; nipples a taupe-y pink and perfectly oval; lovehandles not wider than back; happy trail but no back hair; size 38 waist or higher; size 42 waist or smaller; wears tight shirts in public; smokes cigars; does not smoke cigarettes; likes pancakes; hates waffles; has a dog; a beagle; with a freckle beneath right eye; wants to be a 367.4-lb ex jock. Good luck! Just don't act as if I'm somehow not good enough to talk to because I don't fit in this exact mold. And here I thought it was supposed to be good not to fit in things.
Speaking of good enough, allow me to address the concepts of "not enough" and "too much" which are really the same thing. That something, or in this case, a person, is not enough-this or too-that implies there is a standard to which he should be adhering. Part of my interest in gaining is side-stepping standards of appearance and ways of living/eating. Yet many of us gainers are told repeatedly that we're not big enough. That we're too small. Half the time we're saying it to ourselves! Ask a guy what he dislikes about his belly or body and the answer has become a cliche: "Too small! Not big enough!" Sorry, but I've reached a point where I just don't feel that way. Am I as big now as I will eventually be? No. Does that mean I'm too small? NO. Where another might see a deficiency, I choose to see an opportunity. If I were fat enough, I wouldn't gain another pound! Frankly, if someone tells you that your lovehandles are too big or your arms aren't beefy enough, they're wrong. And who are they to tell you that anyway? Look to those around you for support and advice, for encouragement to pursue your own goals and for inspiration, but not to make you feel good about yourself if you don't already.
The same basic concept holds true for adding weight. Sorry to break it to you, but regardless of how into gaining you are, putting on a few (or a few a few times) won't make you happy. It can make you happier if you're already feeling good about yourself and your body, however. If you haven't lately, take a look in a mirror. What do you see? What do you love about what you see? Give yourself a poke or a belly rub (whether on your abs, your flabs, or your somethings-in-between) and get a feel for where you are now. We all have areas we aren't thrilled with (my shoulders slope like a coat hanger and I now get sunburns on the back of my head where I used to have a hair cabana), but what area is pretty darn amazing (um, kind of in love with that little span between my lovehandles and derriere)? Or areas! Not what will look amazing after a few pizzas or trips to the gym. Right now. If this is a challenge for you, it may be time to reconsider your goals or reasons for them. Ironically, your gains will feel exponentially better if you don't need them in the slightest to feel spectacular about yourself. So feel spectacular. And then get bigger. And feel spectacularer.
01 December 2010
02 November 2010
31 October 2010
10 Things I Learned at Expansion:
30 September 2010
Next time you have a pizza (I'm assuming here, but come on, look who I'm talking to) start with the largest piece. We all know there's no point in having pizza if there will be slices left over. That's like having a cake and having slices left over. Now that we're clear... don't cheat and order a size smaller just to be able to say you finished a whole thing. Sorry, but polishing off a (pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening) Bagel Bite is just not going to get tongues a-wagging in your steamy true-life gainer memoir.