Incredibly Round and Extremely Verbose

Once upon a time... is a show that premiered last year on ABC but lost me about 8 episodes in.  Also, once upon a time I changed my online identity to PhilDoubt, but not before considering a few alternatives, the list of which has grown (more than I have!) over the past year or so.  Here is a selection of ten helpless options I chose to neglect and abandon and why.

Oops...IDidItAGain  Glee just ruins so many good screen names, doesn't it?

HotTub I'm amazing at a lot of things, but being conceited isn't one of them.

BlubberMaid I think I might be allergic to feathers.

FatMintCookie It just wouldn't be fair to Samoas.

DorothyZmorsnack A Rose here.

GlenHoHo The slutty Santa suggestion was just too strong and I like my North Pole residents chaste.

FedLobster Too many painful sunburns in my youth.  I'm getting deep.  Just like the sun's rays.

StrawberryShortJake I just don't think I look like a Jake.

PhilSmithAt122W28thStNewYorkNY10029call555.212.9890ATMpin4214SSN53302 then I ran out of characters

LittleDebbieDowner Oh, I'm still holding on to this one.

Dear Old Friend

Dear Old Friend,
  I don't know how much longer I can take this.  I've always turned to you for truth and unwavering objectivity.  You always tell me how things really are, not what you think I want to hear or the easy way out.  But something has changed.  Something is not the same.  Your story is different every time I come to you.  One day you give me one version of events and the next day, or even next hour or week, depending on when I visit, your story changes.  How can I trust anything from you when you don't even seem to trust yourself anymore?
  Maybe it's something I've done.  Perhaps you've felt that I'm a bit embarrassed by you or that I've neglected you, which might be true.  But it doesn't mean I love you any less.  You've been through so much with me, the highs and the lows, but you've kept me grounded and always let me know where I stood. Until now.
  I need to be able to rely on a friend and not worry I'm being deceived or misled.  As that's no longer the case, it might be time for us to go our separate ways and for me to find a reliable friend.  No, it's definitely the time: brand new 330-lb-capacity Health-o-Meters are on sale at Macy's!

Regretfully yours,
  Phil Doubt

If you give a gainer a cookie...

So you dig my bod* and you agree there should be more of it. Fantastic! You recognize that one of the the obstacles to accomplishing this is my lack of eating far too much. Your altruistic self wants to help. Generous! Here are a few helpful tips, in no particular order, to make the process as smooth and soft (I think I just distracted myself) as possible. Helpful! :

1) Find out what I like (and what I don't). If you showed up at my door with 3 take-out cartons of baby corn, I'd close that door in your handsome face. Though it's tempting to go for the most fattening, caloric goodies out there, what does it matter if I won't like them? Find out some favorites and check whether or not there's anything I avoid, like peanuts, meat, or BABY CORN!

2) Check what I had for my previous meal. A dinner of a whole XL pizza is probably going to be less appetizing if I had a whole L pizza for lunch (we must bear in mind appropriate portions, after all). Or, plan ahead and tell me, "PhilDoubt, don't have pizza for lunch because I don't want you spoiling your dinner". Spoiling is for brats.

3) If variety is the spice of life, balance is the herbs of life. No, this is not a drug reference. It's an herbs and spices reference, obviously. Haven't you ever read an Olive Garden menu? Too much sweet is just that. Too much salty, same thing. If I have a little bit of this and a little bit of that I'll end up eating a lot more than if I just have a lot of this. There's a reason even Muggles eat so very much on Thanksgiving, folks.

4) Hydrogen and oxygen are our friends. Or their relatives, Mi and Lk. Have you ever tried that thing where you eat 6 Saltine crackers in a minute? It's nearly impossible because it paints a desert in your mouth. So while an entire package of Chips Ahoy or bucket of Kentucky Grilled Chicken (What? They're healthy now.) may be in order, so is plentiful hydration. I may be a little busy to to utter some sort of safe word like "water" so assume that for every 3-4 bites I'll need a bit from my sippy cup.

5) Have some music/tv or a movie on unless you're a complete and utter chatterbox as there will be awkward silences during chewing. It's rude to talk with my mouth full, after all. And if I'm not talking, it's awkward.

6) Prepare to be disappointed. I don't know if this is blog-worthy to mention but gainer stories and certain online profiles and updates occasionally give mildly exaggerated accounts of just how much the human stomach can hold. My eyes have never been bigger than my stomach; I would need to consult a physician if they were so, but my imagination, which is LIMITLESS, certainly has been. In fact, the more determined I am to eat exceptionally well, the more difficult it seems to be. Casual overindulgence can be much more effective, and will also be the name of my first line for QVC.

7) Um, gaining encounters can be funny (and possibly hot at the same time, depending on what you're into). Food will spill. Any party is liable to fall off the chair/sofa/pommel horse on which he is perched. A cell phone will ring a particularly annoying ditty (most likely Katy Perry or LMFAO) at a most inopportune moment. The California Raisins may perform a jazzy two-step without a moment's notice. Don't be afraid to laugh; this is all about having a good time, after all.

8) Spelled "ate".

* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-G0vfELSRg

A moob by any other name...

N*Sync vs. Backstreet Boys

Kelly and Jesse vs. Tori

"Moob" vs. ANYTHING ELSE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS FAT AND WONDERFUL

These are the battles that have defined my life, which all have rather clear and obvious winners. Friends and readers, I refuse to settle for second-best, and I highly doubt that to describe a chest that is neither flat nor muscular "moobs" is anywhere near even the second-best we can do, nor is its original, expanded form: "man boobs". I think a Moob sounds like a hooded figure who guards a bridge to the castle while singing folk songs. I propose a few alternatives, almost any of which would be more musical to my delicate ears than our existing default term. For the record, I am in possession of a chest that is neither flat nor muscular, so this is personal.

For the purposes of this exercise, I accept the formula of manly word/gainer word + term for a woman's chest = slang, so here goes:

Dits = Dude + Tits http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDRIgq4zH3A

Hammaries = Him + Mammaries http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcYMGs-6Vqg

Secs = Soft + Pecs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vldh7oQD-a4&ob=av3n

Fockers = Fatty + Knockers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKl_Jwc8deU&NR=1

Meats = Man + Teats http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTriy1729l0

Shooters = Sir + Hooters http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHfMOsVWFN8

Gunbags = Guy + Funbags http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzWExNtzIis&feature=fvsr

Felons = Fellow + Melons http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucaU077ePfE

Chest = Chubby + Breast http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ss8LDBNcsWc&feature=related

and, the winner of my vote...

Hugs = He + Jugs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ0M9CBEkw0

What do you think? What's your preferred term? Am I wrong to loathe "moobs"?

Eat Fat, Not Thin

There is a popular series of books that started as a spot in Men's Health magazine called Eat This, Not That that compares menu items to determine which is healthier and which is worse for you. On slow news days, morning shows like to trot out examples from the newest edition and make twisty O faces as they learn that the fish tacos are actually more fattening than the burger, or some such thing. I almost used that exact title for this post but didn't want to steal. It's unfortunate, because Anna Karenina would have been so appropriate for this post.

I don't necessarily believe in being so prescriptive but understand that a bit of guidance goes a long way. One of the most common questions I see out there in the gainerverse, particularly from guys starting out, is What should I eat to gain? This post will once and for all answer that question**, ultimately and conclusively.

EAT THIS

* Whatever you want

* Whatever you'll eat a lot of

* Whatever's nearby

* Your vegetables

NOT THAT

* Everything else

* Things to which you're allergic

* Food that's not yours

* Glue

** Or not.

Never Enough is Sometimes Too Much

We live in a 'verse of measurements: waist sizes, scale readings, profile views, and pizza diameters (sorry boys, but "just ate an entire pizza!" is exponentially less impressive when that pizza would fit inside a donut hole). Considering all the numbers that float around our heads and our middles, it's unavoidable that certain comparisons will be made. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I've looked to bigger guys for inspiration and guidance regarding what size I'd like to reach. I've had moments of being pleased with myself for being bigger around than fellows 10 pounds heavier (and 5 inches taller) than me. So when IS there something wrong with number crunching? When it takes the place of Nestle Crunch-ing, of course! No, really, when we start using comparisons to knock ourselves and each other.

I love the freedom to indulge in this admittedly strange interest that all of our websites and blogs (like phildoubt.blogspot.com for example) grant us, but I think sometimes people go a little too far with it all. No, this isn't a post about the psychos among us. Er, um... them; among them. Rather, this is about getting carried away. It's only natural to have preferences, but the distinction can get very blurred between a preference and a requirement. Discovering gaining sites is the pot-bellied pot at the end of the rainbow: a place where our bizarre fantasies aren't so bizarre. There are others like me!

Once we find these places where such a massive preference is met, we can start filtering that preference. Hairy. Smooth. Stretchmarks. No stretchmarks. This is good and fine, but sometimes I think that some of the gainerverse's residents start creating a mold in their heads of an ideal guy who may or more likely does not exist: 6'1"; blonde buzzed short; brown eyes; freckle beneath right eye; pecs covered in a layer of fat; nipples a taupe-y pink and perfectly oval; lovehandles not wider than back; happy trail but no back hair; size 38 waist or higher; size 42 waist or smaller; wears tight shirts in public; smokes cigars; does not smoke cigarettes; likes pancakes; hates waffles; has a dog; a beagle; with a freckle beneath right eye; wants to be a 367.4-lb ex jock. Good luck! Just don't act as if I'm somehow not good enough to talk to because I don't fit in this exact mold. And here I thought it was supposed to be good not to fit in things.

Speaking of good enough, allow me to address the concepts of "not enough" and "too much" which are really the same thing. That something, or in this case, a person, is not enough-this or too-that implies there is a standard to which he should be adhering. Part of my interest in gaining is side-stepping standards of appearance and ways of living/eating. Yet many of us gainers are told repeatedly that we're not big enough. That we're too small. Half the time we're saying it to ourselves! Ask a guy what he dislikes about his belly or body and the answer has become a cliche: "Too small! Not big enough!" Sorry, but I've reached a point where I just don't feel that way. Am I as big now as I will eventually be? No. Does that mean I'm too small? NO. Where another might see a deficiency, I choose to see an opportunity. If I were fat enough, I wouldn't gain another pound! Frankly, if someone tells you that your lovehandles are too big or your arms aren't beefy enough, they're wrong. And who are they to tell you that anyway? Look to those around you for support and advice, for encouragement to pursue your own goals and for inspiration, but not to make you feel good about yourself if you don't already.

The same basic concept holds true for adding weight. Sorry to break it to you, but regardless of how into gaining you are, putting on a few (or a few a few times) won't make you happy. It can make you happier if you're already feeling good about yourself and your body, however. If you haven't lately, take a look in a mirror. What do you see? What do you love about what you see? Give yourself a poke or a belly rub (whether on your abs, your flabs, or your somethings-in-between) and get a feel for where you are now. We all have areas we aren't thrilled with (my shoulders slope like a coat hanger and I now get sunburns on the back of my head where I used to have a hair cabana), but what area is pretty darn amazing (um, kind of in love with that little span between my lovehandles and derriere)? Or areas! Not what will look amazing after a few pizzas or trips to the gym. Right now. If this is a challenge for you, it may be time to reconsider your goals or reasons for them. Ironically, your gains will feel exponentially better if you don't need them in the slightest to feel spectacular about yourself. So feel spectacular. And then get bigger. And feel spectacularer.

You're Probably a Gainer If...

If you're reading this blog, you probably already have a pretty good idea whether or not you're a gainer. Quit splitting eclairs and enjoy the plump musings to follow. You're probably a gainer if...

You measure time in weight: "I haven't had a vacation since 220!"

You consider Thanksgiving stuffing an event rather than a dish.

You buy a shirt you love in three sizes: yours, one too small, and one too large. Obviously you want one to wear comfortably and one to grow into, plus one for a supercute "outgrown" photo shoot.

Krispy Kreme is one of your In Case of Emergency contacts.

You turn down an invitation to a buffet for dinner because you had that for lunch. Then you reconsider and accept an invitation to a buffet for dinner. Because you had that for lunch.

You prep for a visit with your parents not by vacuuming or finding a reasonable brunch spot, but by planning answers for when they ask if you've been "working out" while wincing.

You consider a mini-fridge a perfectly legitimate piece of living room furniture.

The first thing you think when you hear an acquaintance lost 10 pounds is That poor thing!

You don't own any black clothing because you find it too slimming.

And lastly, you might be a gainer if the cashier at McDonald's knows you by first name. And you've never been to that McDonald's before.

Gainerspeak Lesson #12

Today's lesson: SKIM.

skim

-noun

1. a fellow who is non-fat, like the blue milk. formed by combining SKINNY and TRIM. a SKIM may be a chaser, encourager, or almost any guy on a show with 33-year-olds playing high school sophomores, regardless of preference; Xavier had never really gone for skims, but he really started to appreciate the contrast once he put on his freshman 54.

Ex Pants Shun

10 Things I Learned at Expansion:

1) California Pizza Kitchen is delicious in any geographic state.

2) I have a "kind of Jewish" hairline.

3) If all you do in a day besides talk is eat 3 meals plus snacks and sit in or by a pool, chances are good you will go home fatter.

4) Coppertone sunblock turns humans into smurfs.

5) If you receive an invitation to join a group you might not normally join but have no reason to be scared or nervous about having activity time* with, you should probably accept the invitation. *of the non-sexual variety... but maybe that too...

6) The middle seat isn't so bad.

7) If a girl wanders into an establishment looking like an extra from Jersey Shore with her manly-looking boyfriend, don't steal her jewelry. If she wanders in alone, at least hide it from her.

8) I am not to make the 40-Year-Old Virgin poster face ever. Ever. Ev-er.

9) Always leave 'em wanting more.

DO eat yellow snow: Gaining Tips #9

Next time you have a pizza (I'm assuming here, but come on, look who I'm talking to) start with the largest piece. We all know there's no point in having pizza if there will be slices left over. That's like having a cake and having slices left over. Now that we're clear... don't cheat and order a size smaller just to be able to say you finished a whole thing. Sorry, but polishing off a (pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening) Bagel Bite is just not going to get tongues a-wagging in your steamy true-life gainer memoir.

Back to my tip: seriously, start with the big slice and work your way to the smallest. When you're feeling full and you have to face that last piece, which will look more manageable, the one it looks like Giancarlo down at Pizza Shack forgot to slice in half and which could smother you if it was pressed against your face (sorry, not my scene), or the one that if you were feeling generous you might share as just a taste with a table mate who was curious about your unusual topping choices in return for a treasure chest of rubies or two oatmeal raisin cookies? Even though it's the same amount of pizza, psycho-logic-ally the sliver will seem like you're cramming in less. If you're into that stuffed feeling, allow me to remind you it's the same. amount. of pizza.

So you might as well make it easier for yourself.