20 February 2010

Bane of My Gainerly Existence #130


Bathtubs. Specifically, my bathtub.

Dear bathtub designers of America,
Your product often makes me feel like a walrus in a Chinese finger trap: it's easy to get into but the harder I try to escape, the more difficult it gets.

First, the length. I am a short guy by most accounts. Why do I have to curl into the fetal position just to have 30% of my body submerged? While I appreciate the gentle slope of the end of my tub not under the faucet, why must that slope lead to a perfectly vertical wall of tile? Oh, I've tried various foam and inflated bath pillows but a six inch square of a posturepedic mattress knockoff wrapped in my grandma's old shower curtain vinyl simply does not ease the unfortunate angles in a tub that is perhaps 2.5 feet long at most.

Walruses flop around. They have tusks and flippers that don't seem to serve much purpose unless they're playing a giant game of slow motion marine pinpall. When I attempt to get out of the bathtub, I realize my arms are like the flippers of a walrus: useless. Unless I feel like yanking down my shower rod (I don't.) there is nothing to grab onto for support as I attempt to release myself from your ceramic and fiberglass chamber of impossibility. Notice folks say they're going to "hop in the shower" but no one says they are going to "hop out of the bathtub." I inevitably heave myself over the edge of the tub to my bath mat, reversing all the (non)effort I put into relaxing with my lavender-and-cedar bath oil. Also, I feel the need to visit an orthodontist about my big front tusks.

I can only imagine the hardships faced by my friends who are 6 inches taller or 25 pounds heavier. It must be like adding extra yeast to your bread recipe: it seems like a good idea until the dough rises and overflows the loaf pan (Colonial Ricardos, anyone?). You have left me with two options: installing one of those old-people handles onto the wall (Where is that darn AARP catalogue when you need it?) or writing a congratulatory letter to the shower designers of America for making my life as easy as you have difficult.

Walrusly yours,
Phil Doubt

P.S. I do enjoy the belly island effect when I lie down in your creation, it must be said.