Bane of My Gainerly Existence #441

Plastic wrap on ice cream pint lids... without perforation! It's not enough that I got up off the couch once to retrieve my ice cream, now I'm supposed to go back to the kitchen for a pair of scissors or a knife? I don't think so. Good thing I've got my Kirsten Dunst canine teeth.

Signs You're Getting Fat #904

The wrinkles in the shirt you pick up from your clean laundry pile magically smooth out when you put it on.

Gainers Just Want to Have Phun

'Cause we're phat: pretty hot and tempting. What's that? Oh, apparently we're fat. Then I guess we just want to have fun.

Remember when we were kids, and all it took was a brick and some leaves to make a really fun game with our friends? Maybe that was just my childhood, but you catch my drift. As we get older and school, work, debt, and assorted sundry obligations seem to take over our lives, we can lose that sense of play and fun. I'm not advocating starting recess games of tag, exactly. I'm all for chasers, but let's keep it figurative. You know the fatboys would be "it" within ten seconds, and trading running after the other players for "running" after the nearest cupcakery.

I do think a lot of us in the gainerverse tend to lose sight of the concept of having fun, however. Sure, a little anxiety about some of the changes we're going through is to be expected, but the fun we're having ought to make it clearly worth it. This seems to come up most often in the foods we eat. One of my favorite things about going for it is the freedom to eat whatever I want. What I want. Hear that? That's the sound of me not ordering the most fattening menu item because it just doesn't sound that tasty. Until scientists discover a better method (and you know it's a top priority), eating extra is pretty much the best method out there for getting bigger; why not make it as enjoyable as possible? When guys starting out have asked me what they should eat to gain, I tell them "what you like!" I promise, you'll eat more of it, and even if it's less caloric/fat-grammy/carby/etc, it will do good things in time*. If Newsweek reported tomorrow that pan-seared baby lion's paw pads were the most fattening substance on earth, I wouldn't eat them. If you just love eating sticks of butter, go for it, but if you're eating something JUST for the gaining benefits but you're neglecting your taste buds, you may want to balance your meals with something extra delicious for dessert. You were planning to have dessert, weren't you?

Checking ourselves out in a mirror while wearing a small shirt when a large is more appropriate is frequently a favorite activity of our kind. Wearing said shirt in public is too... for some of us. There's no instruction manual for gainers and encouragers, no hard and fast rules regarding how we're supposed to act and what we're supposed to do. Just because A enjoys messily being fed pizza at the Buon Giorno Buffet doesn't mean U have to. (Like that? Thanks, Prince, for expanding the rules of grammR and sp3ll1ng) It can be fun to try new things, but if you're finding repeatedly that they're making you nervous or embarrassed, stop doing them. For now. You may be surprised that in different company, or at a different time, you find the fun in things you'd never considered could be a good time. Also, I'm sure you have your own bizarre twist on the gaining fantasy that you can have fun with. Embrace it, even if you can't get your arms around it.

(Not really all that) secret story time: I gained once before and then in the fire I lost everything! No, there was no fire, but I did lose all the weight. When I started college, I exceeded the freshman 15 by a little and by my junior year I had moved and was in a more expensive living arrangement, killing time by exploring my new neighborhood on foot. It was proving really challenging not only to continue the gain, but even to maintain. I was getting frustrated over my utter lack of progress, and this really hot activity was becoming a chore. So I stopped trying. At that time, for me, it was the right call and I was able to enjoy my days more not stressing over every little thing that went into my tummy (or didn't). I lost everything I'd put on, but actually felt really good. For a while. Losing what I'd gained made me appreciate it more and in time I started up round 2, where I am now (well beyond my round 1 peak, for the record), and the challenge of continuing is exciting rather than frustrating. Also, Ben and Jerry's has released several new ice cream flavors since then, which is just plain phuntastic.

* celery need not apply

Mozzarella Sticks and Kidney Stones

"What kinds of comments did you get when you gained so much weight?"

"Since you gained, how have people reacted?"

"Has anyone said anything about your gain lately?"

Sound familiar? After "How is the gaining going?" and "What are you eating?" these are varieties of some of the more popular questions we ask/ are asked in this here bubble of ours. Believe you me, I am a big fan of hearing about reactions. I admit it: I'm an even bigger fan of telling about them... if only I ever had them! Flattering as it is that people can't believe I live a (relatively) comment-free existence, it's true.

While I understand the gainerverse sometimes lends itself to conversations held with acquaintances about as often as we change our clocks, we did not go to bed in March and wake up in November, which is to say that time has actually gone by. Much as I would like the alternative to be possible, the weight I put on did not arrive as a gift one day. Would you wrap that in a box or a bag, by the way? There are shining examples of rapid, obvious growth but these are exceptions rather than the rule and often the guys who put on 40 pounds in two weeks (he showed me the before and after with newspaper front pages; it must be true!) lose it soon after, or kind of disappear. It's just not sustainable, and sustainability is super-trendy!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a belly must have gained it gradually and people are either a) not focused on our gains even 1% as much as we are or b) more polite than the average fratboy from our favorite gainer fiction. Hidden answer C (there's ALWAYS a hidden answer C): they aren't as hot as people from whom we'd want sexy sexy reactions. The few comments I've received have tended to be from ladies or from family. And we're not talking hot-cousin-Paul-to-whom-I-have-no-blood-relation-I-swear. As a general rule, any family member who used to pinch your cheeks or who recalls knowing you when you were "this big" with their hands so high off the ground (not open wide side to side, my big-boned friends) is not someone from whom you want to hear a comment. This means you, Aunt Hilda.

So you want to hear about the scandalous response I've had to my gaining? Picture it: me working retail, 2008-ish. In walks a customer. Not just any customer. A longtime customer, about 76 years old with white, fabulously permed hair. We'll call her... Gertie? White sweatshirt with daisies hand-painted in three-dimensional puff paint and green running shorts. Short, but not short short, don't worry. Orthopedic running shoes. Socks? You guessed it: pom poms attached. There may have been a fanny pack involved, but I think that's just my fantasy.

Gertie: "Have you put on more weight?"

Me: "Um... maybe?"

Gertie: "You have. Don't do that."

Gertie, continued: "What's my total?"

Orgasm!

So what about you? What's are some of the funniest responses you've had to your personal development or witnessed to others' bigification, if any?