Far be it from me to expect the gainers in the gainerverse to be runway ready at a moment's notice (we're hot, but these things have weight limits. Encouragers, you're not off the hook for this one) but whether it's for a trip to the grocery store (likely) or a starring role on Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel (less likely)
there are certain sartorial standards I hold for the fatties among us and it puts an upside-down smile on my face when they're dismissed or ignored. I don't expect every fatboy out there to know his Michael Kors from his Coors (hint: they're both a golden amber color) but whether you're shopping on 5th Avenue or in Aisle 5, here are 5 simple guidelines to keep in mind:
1) Stains, tears, and off-the-floor-after-two-weeks-in-a-ball-wrinkles are off limits. It happens. You're at a friends house enjoying morsels fresh from the grill and a big glob of ketchup falls
right on your shirt just over your left "pec" (still not a fan of moob). You're fat and it sticks out; get over it. Dab it with a little cold water and no sweat for the rest of the day... other guests probably spilled ketchup, too. But for goodness sake, don't wear the shirt again until you've given it a proper cleaning! When two-year-olds have stains on their Osh Kosh B'Gosh, it's cute. When grown men have stains on their clothes, it's nute. Not that there's anything wrong with slobby. If you're pigging out and get any number of condiments or pie fillings dribbled on your shirt, enjoy. Just not out and about later on.
They may not be instant stains, but
sweat stains totally count! They're sneaky little suckers that show up gradually, but that doesn't mean we can't see them. White shirts beware! With our thick blankets of chub, we're naturally warmer (and cuddlier, yes) and we will sweat more than an average fellow. This can be sexy, but when it builds up andturns yellow or crusty, it can not (unless you have a distinct fetish for such things). We have a few options: wear only shirts without sleeves (actually, no that's sub-rule #1A: No wearing only shirts without sleeves), Botox your armpits so you don't sweat (yes, you can have Nicole Kidman's face under your ams), live in a hermetic bubble with constant air conditioning (not good for belly rubs, though), or wear an undershirt (which is allowed to get sweaty and stained because no one can see it) even though it might mean a tad extra perspiration. Just don't let this get out of hand.2) This sounds obvious, but wear clothes that fit. In public. Clothes that once fit or never will fit can be tremendous fun, but can look a tad cartoonish in the harsh light of day. If your shirt rises above your waistband when your arms are straight out to your sides, well that's actually fine by me. If your shirt rises above your waistband when your arms are at rest beside you, it might be time for an upgrade.
This is not to say we need to hide our chub under fumigation tents. It's sad to think Kevin Federline actually believed he was fooling anyone. Wearing overly long or baggy clothing just makes it look like you never grew out of your dress-up-as-an-adult phase from childhood. And we all know you've grown out of a lot of things. According to clothing manufacturers, I'm supposed to be taller if I'm this big around (clearly the problem is my height, not my circumference) so I have had to get pants shortened to avoid super knee-bunchage, which makes me look both like I belong in the lollipop guild and like I pay rule #1 about clothes off the floor no mind. Please, do what you can to avoid looking like a messy munchkin, even if you're tall.
Don't just buy the first pair of pants or shirt that will button over your lovely manly humps. Try different brands to find a few that work best for your proportions. A rose is a rose is a rose but an XL is not an XL is not an XL. When I go to a department store, I'm amazed at the different cuts that are out there, and don't even get me started on "trendy" cuts that come and go seasonally. Yes, I generally shop the variety available at department stores rather than stores that can be initialed with an ampersand and stop at a cruelly slim "38"; this means you, A&F and H&M. Even in a basic t-shirt, one might fit around
your belly, but not give you room to swing your arms for a seal clap. It might gently hug the bulge of your buried-under-flab-actual-pecs-from-all-those-pushups-you-do but give you Lady Gaga shoulder puffs.
Like my mama told me, you better shop around. One of the biggest complaints from new gainers, or fears of gainers-to-be, is trouble finding cute clothes. I'm not saying it will be easy. I'm not saying it will be cheap. But it will be worth it and you will look good when you finally find something that fits well and you're confident strutting to Burger King in. After 16 pairs of jeans that leave a gap behind the bottom of your spine or won't even get up past your thighs, finding that one that closes, stays up, and which doesn't have legs 70" in diameter will make Roma Downey appear in the fitting room and sing you a song. Just imagine meeting up with that cute encourager you've been talking with for a while wearing a shirt that shows the curve of your gut but leaves the happy trail covered and pants that are snug against your thicker rear without giving up the whole show... you have been touched by an angel food cake.
3) Unless you're continental in scope, wear your pants under your belly.
4) I don't want to be clothes-minded (thanks, Kenneth Cole marketing) so I leave you with a final guideline unrelated to clothing specifically. Take a shower! Seriously, we sweat more and have more rolly places for the sweat to hide. No one wants to hug a mountain of mildew, so give yourself a good hosing-off. Don't forget behind the ears.
No need to wax your face off, but keep hair (facial and cranial) well-groomed. Have a beard or moustache, but don't let it look like the tide is overrunning your chubby cheeks.
Wash your face twice a day. Floss once a day. No need to look greasy or waxy, tight or desert-y, so use an acne-treating version if you need one or a moisturizing formula if need be. Good hair is not matted to our foreheads in clumps so wash and condition yours as necessary, and/or put a little product in it. Tell your hair where you want it to go, but listen to where it wants to go.
5) Screw any of these guidelines if you don't like 'em* and be comfortable. And if you're not sure if a shirt is too small to wear out of doors,
please feel free to send me a picture wearing it so I can give my sincere help and guidance.
Yours in increasing figuring and figure-increasing,
PhilDoubt
*Except the flossing. A day of body odor over a day of plaque any time.
