Incredibly Round and Extremely Verbose

Once upon a time... is a show that premiered last year on ABC but lost me about 8 episodes in.  Also, once upon a time I changed my online identity to PhilDoubt, but not before considering a few alternatives, the list of which has grown (more than I have!) over the past year or so.  Here is a selection of ten helpless options I chose to neglect and abandon and why.

Oops...IDidItAGain  Glee just ruins so many good screen names, doesn't it?

HotTub I'm amazing at a lot of things, but being conceited isn't one of them.

BlubberMaid I think I might be allergic to feathers.

FatMintCookie It just wouldn't be fair to Samoas.

DorothyZmorsnack A Rose here.

GlenHoHo The slutty Santa suggestion was just too strong and I like my North Pole residents chaste.

FedLobster Too many painful sunburns in my youth.  I'm getting deep.  Just like the sun's rays.

StrawberryShortJake I just don't think I look like a Jake.

PhilSmithAt122W28thStNewYorkNY10029call555.212.9890ATMpin4214SSN53302 then I ran out of characters

LittleDebbieDowner Oh, I'm still holding on to this one.

Dear Old Friend

Dear Old Friend,
  I don't know how much longer I can take this.  I've always turned to you for truth and unwavering objectivity.  You always tell me how things really are, not what you think I want to hear or the easy way out.  But something has changed.  Something is not the same.  Your story is different every time I come to you.  One day you give me one version of events and the next day, or even next hour or week, depending on when I visit, your story changes.  How can I trust anything from you when you don't even seem to trust yourself anymore?
  Maybe it's something I've done.  Perhaps you've felt that I'm a bit embarrassed by you or that I've neglected you, which might be true.  But it doesn't mean I love you any less.  You've been through so much with me, the highs and the lows, but you've kept me grounded and always let me know where I stood. Until now.
  I need to be able to rely on a friend and not worry I'm being deceived or misled.  As that's no longer the case, it might be time for us to go our separate ways and for me to find a reliable friend.  No, it's definitely the time: brand new 330-lb-capacity Health-o-Meters are on sale at Macy's!

Regretfully yours,
  Phil Doubt