So you dig my bod* and you agree there should be more of it. Fantastic! You recognize that one of the the obstacles to accomplishing this is my lack of eating far too much. Your altruistic self wants to help. Generous! Here are a few helpful tips, in no particular order, to make the process as smooth and soft (I think I just distracted myself) as possible. Helpful! :
1) Find out what I like (and what I don't). If you showed up at my door with 3 take-out cartons of baby corn, I'd close that door in your handsome face. Though it's tempting to go for the most fattening, caloric goodies out there, what does it matter if I won't like them? Find out some favorites and check whether or not there's anything I avoid, like peanuts, meat, or BABY CORN!
2) Check what I had for my previous meal. A dinner of a whole XL pizza is probably going to be less appetizing if I had a whole L pizza for lunch (we must bear in mind appropriate portions, after all). Or, plan ahead and tell me, "PhilDoubt, don't have pizza for lunch because I don't want you spoiling your dinner". Spoiling is for brats.
3) If variety is the spice of life, balance is the herbs of life. No, this is not a drug reference. It's an herbs and spices reference, obviously. Haven't you ever read an Olive Garden menu? Too much sweet is just that. Too much salty, same thing. If I have a little bit of this and a little bit of that I'll end up eating a lot more than if I just have a lot of this. There's a reason even Muggles eat so very much on Thanksgiving, folks.
4) Hydrogen and oxygen are our friends. Or their relatives, Mi and Lk. Have you ever tried that thing where you eat 6 Saltine crackers in a minute? It's nearly impossible because it paints a desert in your mouth. So while an entire package of Chips Ahoy or bucket of Kentucky Grilled Chicken (What? They're healthy now.) may be in order, so is plentiful hydration. I may be a little busy to to utter some sort of safe word like "water" so assume that for every 3-4 bites I'll need a bit from my sippy cup.
5) Have some music/tv or a movie on unless you're a complete and utter chatterbox as there will be awkward silences during chewing. It's rude to talk with my mouth full, after all. And if I'm not talking, it's awkward.
6) Prepare to be disappointed. I don't know if this is blog-worthy to mention but gainer stories and certain online profiles and updates occasionally give mildly exaggerated accounts of just how much the human stomach can hold. My eyes have never been bigger than my stomach; I would need to consult a physician if they were so, but my imagination, which is LIMITLESS, certainly has been. In fact, the more determined I am to eat exceptionally well, the more difficult it seems to be. Casual overindulgence can be much more effective, and will also be the name of my first line for QVC.
7) Um, gaining encounters can be funny (and possibly hot at the same time, depending on what you're into). Food will spill. Any party is liable to fall off the chair/sofa/pommel horse on which he is perched. A cell phone will ring a particularly annoying ditty (most likely Katy Perry or LMFAO) at a most inopportune moment. The California Raisins may perform a jazzy two-step without a moment's notice. Don't be afraid to laugh; this is all about having a good time, after all.
8) Spelled "ate".
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