A moob by any other name...

N*Sync vs. Backstreet Boys

Kelly and Jesse vs. Tori

"Moob" vs. ANYTHING ELSE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS FAT AND WONDERFUL

These are the battles that have defined my life, which all have rather clear and obvious winners. Friends and readers, I refuse to settle for second-best, and I highly doubt that to describe a chest that is neither flat nor muscular "moobs" is anywhere near even the second-best we can do, nor is its original, expanded form: "man boobs". I think a Moob sounds like a hooded figure who guards a bridge to the castle while singing folk songs. I propose a few alternatives, almost any of which would be more musical to my delicate ears than our existing default term. For the record, I am in possession of a chest that is neither flat nor muscular, so this is personal.

For the purposes of this exercise, I accept the formula of manly word/gainer word + term for a woman's chest = slang, so here goes:

Dits = Dude + Tits http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDRIgq4zH3A

Hammaries = Him + Mammaries http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcYMGs-6Vqg

Secs = Soft + Pecs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vldh7oQD-a4&ob=av3n

Fockers = Fatty + Knockers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKl_Jwc8deU&NR=1

Meats = Man + Teats http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTriy1729l0

Shooters = Sir + Hooters http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHfMOsVWFN8

Gunbags = Guy + Funbags http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzWExNtzIis&feature=fvsr

Felons = Fellow + Melons http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucaU077ePfE

Chest = Chubby + Breast http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ss8LDBNcsWc&feature=related

and, the winner of my vote...

Hugs = He + Jugs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ0M9CBEkw0

What do you think? What's your preferred term? Am I wrong to loathe "moobs"?

Eat Fat, Not Thin

There is a popular series of books that started as a spot in Men's Health magazine called Eat This, Not That that compares menu items to determine which is healthier and which is worse for you. On slow news days, morning shows like to trot out examples from the newest edition and make twisty O faces as they learn that the fish tacos are actually more fattening than the burger, or some such thing. I almost used that exact title for this post but didn't want to steal. It's unfortunate, because Anna Karenina would have been so appropriate for this post.

I don't necessarily believe in being so prescriptive but understand that a bit of guidance goes a long way. One of the most common questions I see out there in the gainerverse, particularly from guys starting out, is What should I eat to gain? This post will once and for all answer that question**, ultimately and conclusively.

EAT THIS

* Whatever you want

* Whatever you'll eat a lot of

* Whatever's nearby

* Your vegetables

NOT THAT

* Everything else

* Things to which you're allergic

* Food that's not yours

* Glue

** Or not.