Winter Wait

Dear goodness! I seem to have skipped right over a month there! Bad blogger. Bad blogger. Ok, now I'm just getting turned on. Just kidding, we all know I'm into other things. Well, we've made it through Chanukah, Christmas, Boxing Day, the beginning of Kwanzaa, and Britney Spears's birthday. All important.

I hope everyone had a good holiday season. Except the people I don't like. Sidenote to you folks: please stop reading my blog. If you didn't have a good one, there's always next year. Unless what made your holiday season so bad was the news that you only have 2 days to live.

So I love this time of year. Snow, more glitter than you can shake a stick at (seriously, who shakes sticks at things?), obscenely cheerful music from every store on the block, and the opportunity to lose some weight. Cue record needle screeching. That last one was sarcastic, in case you couldn't tell. Oh, it happens all right, but I don't love it.

Everyone talks about putting on winter weight, etc. but this year it just wasn't in the cards for me. First, I didn't go to tons of holiday parties with tons of fatty snacks about. One I attended provided plenty of champagne... and endive boats. They were delicious, but my pants weren't tight by the time I left. Second, my coworkers didn't start bringing in homemade tarts and goodies by the bucketload, and I couldn't exactly afford to pretend to bring in a sufficient quantity for everybody and then sneak most of it for myself, either. Third*, Mom.

Does anyone else have this issue? In anticipation of potential criticism from parents or family (not the "hehe, someone's hungry" type, but the "we need to talk" type), I cut back on my caloric intake a bit. I don't exactly rush out to Ye Olde Orthopedic Shoppe for a girdle in an attempt to hide the changes since my last visit, but I admit I do try to cut back on how much I add to The Situation. Don't pretend you haven't watched at least 5 minutes of Jersey Shore. Then when I'm actually around my family, I'm even worse: "Gee, how could I have gotten this extra padding? Certainly not from all the excess eating I don't do! See how I'm leaving 1/8 of my entree and pretending I don't want to order dessert?"

Sometimes I think I worry too much about what other people think, but then I think I'm just not living in a bubble. Everything in moderation, even non-moderation, right? It would be like if I took to highlighting my hair and my parents thought it made me look like a cactus. It's one thing to continue highlighting, but it's quite another to take my mom with me to the salon while I bleach my hair to melanin-free oblivion. Am I alone in this? Do others view holiday meals with possibly critical family as you're-not-the-boss-of-me times? Or are some measures taken to minimize pig-looking-like around certain crowds?

Remember, stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Desert spelled backward is just tresed.

*Also, just not in as much of a rush as I have been in the past.

Bane of My Gainerly Existence #441

Plastic wrap on ice cream pint lids... without perforation! It's not enough that I got up off the couch once to retrieve my ice cream, now I'm supposed to go back to the kitchen for a pair of scissors or a knife? I don't think so. Good thing I've got my Kirsten Dunst canine teeth.

Signs You're Getting Fat #904

The wrinkles in the shirt you pick up from your clean laundry pile magically smooth out when you put it on.

Gainers Just Want to Have Phun

'Cause we're phat: pretty hot and tempting. What's that? Oh, apparently we're fat. Then I guess we just want to have fun.

Remember when we were kids, and all it took was a brick and some leaves to make a really fun game with our friends? Maybe that was just my childhood, but you catch my drift. As we get older and school, work, debt, and assorted sundry obligations seem to take over our lives, we can lose that sense of play and fun. I'm not advocating starting recess games of tag, exactly. I'm all for chasers, but let's keep it figurative. You know the fatboys would be "it" within ten seconds, and trading running after the other players for "running" after the nearest cupcakery.

I do think a lot of us in the gainerverse tend to lose sight of the concept of having fun, however. Sure, a little anxiety about some of the changes we're going through is to be expected, but the fun we're having ought to make it clearly worth it. This seems to come up most often in the foods we eat. One of my favorite things about going for it is the freedom to eat whatever I want. What I want. Hear that? That's the sound of me not ordering the most fattening menu item because it just doesn't sound that tasty. Until scientists discover a better method (and you know it's a top priority), eating extra is pretty much the best method out there for getting bigger; why not make it as enjoyable as possible? When guys starting out have asked me what they should eat to gain, I tell them "what you like!" I promise, you'll eat more of it, and even if it's less caloric/fat-grammy/carby/etc, it will do good things in time*. If Newsweek reported tomorrow that pan-seared baby lion's paw pads were the most fattening substance on earth, I wouldn't eat them. If you just love eating sticks of butter, go for it, but if you're eating something JUST for the gaining benefits but you're neglecting your taste buds, you may want to balance your meals with something extra delicious for dessert. You were planning to have dessert, weren't you?

Checking ourselves out in a mirror while wearing a small shirt when a large is more appropriate is frequently a favorite activity of our kind. Wearing said shirt in public is too... for some of us. There's no instruction manual for gainers and encouragers, no hard and fast rules regarding how we're supposed to act and what we're supposed to do. Just because A enjoys messily being fed pizza at the Buon Giorno Buffet doesn't mean U have to. (Like that? Thanks, Prince, for expanding the rules of grammR and sp3ll1ng) It can be fun to try new things, but if you're finding repeatedly that they're making you nervous or embarrassed, stop doing them. For now. You may be surprised that in different company, or at a different time, you find the fun in things you'd never considered could be a good time. Also, I'm sure you have your own bizarre twist on the gaining fantasy that you can have fun with. Embrace it, even if you can't get your arms around it.

(Not really all that) secret story time: I gained once before and then in the fire I lost everything! No, there was no fire, but I did lose all the weight. When I started college, I exceeded the freshman 15 by a little and by my junior year I had moved and was in a more expensive living arrangement, killing time by exploring my new neighborhood on foot. It was proving really challenging not only to continue the gain, but even to maintain. I was getting frustrated over my utter lack of progress, and this really hot activity was becoming a chore. So I stopped trying. At that time, for me, it was the right call and I was able to enjoy my days more not stressing over every little thing that went into my tummy (or didn't). I lost everything I'd put on, but actually felt really good. For a while. Losing what I'd gained made me appreciate it more and in time I started up round 2, where I am now (well beyond my round 1 peak, for the record), and the challenge of continuing is exciting rather than frustrating. Also, Ben and Jerry's has released several new ice cream flavors since then, which is just plain phuntastic.

* celery need not apply

Mozzarella Sticks and Kidney Stones

"What kinds of comments did you get when you gained so much weight?"

"Since you gained, how have people reacted?"

"Has anyone said anything about your gain lately?"

Sound familiar? After "How is the gaining going?" and "What are you eating?" these are varieties of some of the more popular questions we ask/ are asked in this here bubble of ours. Believe you me, I am a big fan of hearing about reactions. I admit it: I'm an even bigger fan of telling about them... if only I ever had them! Flattering as it is that people can't believe I live a (relatively) comment-free existence, it's true.

While I understand the gainerverse sometimes lends itself to conversations held with acquaintances about as often as we change our clocks, we did not go to bed in March and wake up in November, which is to say that time has actually gone by. Much as I would like the alternative to be possible, the weight I put on did not arrive as a gift one day. Would you wrap that in a box or a bag, by the way? There are shining examples of rapid, obvious growth but these are exceptions rather than the rule and often the guys who put on 40 pounds in two weeks (he showed me the before and after with newspaper front pages; it must be true!) lose it soon after, or kind of disappear. It's just not sustainable, and sustainability is super-trendy!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a belly must have gained it gradually and people are either a) not focused on our gains even 1% as much as we are or b) more polite than the average fratboy from our favorite gainer fiction. Hidden answer C (there's ALWAYS a hidden answer C): they aren't as hot as people from whom we'd want sexy sexy reactions. The few comments I've received have tended to be from ladies or from family. And we're not talking hot-cousin-Paul-to-whom-I-have-no-blood-relation-I-swear. As a general rule, any family member who used to pinch your cheeks or who recalls knowing you when you were "this big" with their hands so high off the ground (not open wide side to side, my big-boned friends) is not someone from whom you want to hear a comment. This means you, Aunt Hilda.

So you want to hear about the scandalous response I've had to my gaining? Picture it: me working retail, 2008-ish. In walks a customer. Not just any customer. A longtime customer, about 76 years old with white, fabulously permed hair. We'll call her... Gertie? White sweatshirt with daisies hand-painted in three-dimensional puff paint and green running shorts. Short, but not short short, don't worry. Orthopedic running shoes. Socks? You guessed it: pom poms attached. There may have been a fanny pack involved, but I think that's just my fantasy.

Gertie: "Have you put on more weight?"

Me: "Um... maybe?"

Gertie: "You have. Don't do that."

Gertie, continued: "What's my total?"

Orgasm!

So what about you? What's are some of the funniest responses you've had to your personal development or witnessed to others' bigification, if any?

Smelly Cat

A few years ago, and then a few years more, when I turned 18, I earned the right to vote, serve on a jury, buy cigarettes, and talk to people from the wide scary world that was the internet. I have since enjoyed 2.5 of the aforementioned rights. I think it was definitely a good call waiting until I turned 18 to talk to fellow residents of the gainerverse (my isolated bizarre attempt at 13 notwithstanding) as it made things more comfortable for me and anyone I was talking to in terms of the not-so-minor minor issue.

In my years as a speaking member of this gaining universe, I've made all kinds of friends: skinny friends, fat friends, friends I will probably only ever talk to online, friends I may see once every year or two at events or when traveling, friends I've known for a third of my life, friends I've just met, friends over 40 (to my fellow 20-somethings: it's true!), and even friends with whom I've almost forgotten how things started. I consider myself rather fortunate to have lived in areas with decent gay and gainer/encourager populations and to have not been too afraid to take a leap here and there to meet them. Remember kids: well-lit, public places and let someone know where you're going. While we can usually tell from a few conversations and probably a photo or two if we'll get along, there's no real way to predict how you'll get along.

Once upon a time I was going out with a fellow who was none too into gaining and was none too thrilled that I maintained a profile on beefyfrat. I tried explaining that talking to guys was quite different than "talking to guys" (cue Carrie Bradshaw in 3, 2, 1) and I couldn't help but wonder: Why do I have/want friends from the gaining world in the first place? I'm not saying I would do things exactly the same way if I had them to do all over again with the fellow, but he did get me thinking. Isn't it a little off for friendships to spring from a shared kink?

Yes and no. I can't lie and say I've never found any of my gaining/encouraging friends attractive. Well, I can... but I won't. However, one of the greatest thrills and threats in all of this is the potential for judgement. There's all kinds of talk of "have you gotten any comments?" and "what did people say after you put on so much so fast?" but sometimes even the heartiest fan of being teased for his weight/gain wants a respite from the negative connotation of such things.

Do guys who dig stilettos seek friendships with others like them? I have no idea, but ours is one of relatively few kinks that manifests itself physically. We gainers are tagged not necessarily as gainers, but as guys who have gained weight, who have gotten fat, who have let go, etc. Many kinks can completely stay behind closed doors, "in the closet," but while we may not need to express the arousal that comes along with it, we can't very well hide the changes we've undergone and it's nice to know that there are others who support your endeavors, who think you're fine as you are. Sometimes it feels amazing just to be able to chat about the TV show you saw where a character got huge in a dream sequence or when you first knew you wanted to be fat and sometimes it feels amazing to not utter the G word at all, but just to know you're with friends around whom you have no need to suck it in, no need to be self-conscious about ordering 2 desserts, no need to pretend you're not drooling over the guy 2 aisles in front of you at the movie who should have given up his t-shirt 25 pounds ago.

I certainly don't intend to imply that this is an all-or-nothing proposition: either you're romping naked in a kiddie pool of hot fudge (ow) or playing Connect Four while sipping hot tea (for my wimpy taste buds, ow) as I am aware there are huge grey areas between platonic, sexual, and romantic relationships, perhaps for us even more than in the traditional dating world... but friendships do form whether we're looking for them or not.

Have you formed friendships in the gainerverse? Have you sought them out or have they been more accidental? Are friendships based on pieces of our sexuality at their core crazy by nature? Would you like fries with that?

Incurably curiously,

Phil Doubt

P.S. I hope you don't mind my rambling. Just be glad you're not getting voicemail messages from me, unless of course you're one of my phone-a-friends.

What's that? Phone-a-friend was eliminated from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire earlier this month? I'm now using an outdated outdated pop culture reference? Shoot.

He has raisin!

Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages... though fewer ladies and girls and hopefully not too many boys. Gentlemen, step right up for the greatest blog on earth! (No joke- there was a crash of thunder outside right as I typed that exclamation point...) Or at least created on my laptop.

As there can be a fair degree of egotism in blogging, I will try to temper my thoughts with solicitations of yours. I also welcome solicitors... who come bearing Girl Scout cookies. Who can resist foods named after square dancing moves, anyway?

Sometimes I think we all get the impression we are the only ones thinking, feeling, or doing something, especially when it comes to gaining and encouraging (or feeding or inflating or padding or...). For some of us, this is terrifying and for some of us it is completely liberating. For me, it's often both at once. Who knows which direction(s) this thing will take over time, but for now I hope to throw things out there onto the figurative wall (like the expression, not like facebook, exactly) and see what sticks: what I think I have learned about myself and this shared interest of ours, of what I am still utterly clueless, who has similar perceptions, and who might have opposite views that make me see things in a new broader spectrum of light, and who's bringing plates, cups, and napkins to the party.

If what results is hot, it's probably by accident. If what results is funny, there is a 50/50 chance it's by accident. If what results wins a Nobel Prize, it's purely intentional.