Mozzarella Sticks and Kidney Stones

"What kinds of comments did you get when you gained so much weight?"

"Since you gained, how have people reacted?"

"Has anyone said anything about your gain lately?"

Sound familiar? After "How is the gaining going?" and "What are you eating?" these are varieties of some of the more popular questions we ask/ are asked in this here bubble of ours. Believe you me, I am a big fan of hearing about reactions. I admit it: I'm an even bigger fan of telling about them... if only I ever had them! Flattering as it is that people can't believe I live a (relatively) comment-free existence, it's true.

While I understand the gainerverse sometimes lends itself to conversations held with acquaintances about as often as we change our clocks, we did not go to bed in March and wake up in November, which is to say that time has actually gone by. Much as I would like the alternative to be possible, the weight I put on did not arrive as a gift one day. Would you wrap that in a box or a bag, by the way? There are shining examples of rapid, obvious growth but these are exceptions rather than the rule and often the guys who put on 40 pounds in two weeks (he showed me the before and after with newspaper front pages; it must be true!) lose it soon after, or kind of disappear. It's just not sustainable, and sustainability is super-trendy!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a belly must have gained it gradually and people are either a) not focused on our gains even 1% as much as we are or b) more polite than the average fratboy from our favorite gainer fiction. Hidden answer C (there's ALWAYS a hidden answer C): they aren't as hot as people from whom we'd want sexy sexy reactions. The few comments I've received have tended to be from ladies or from family. And we're not talking hot-cousin-Paul-to-whom-I-have-no-blood-relation-I-swear. As a general rule, any family member who used to pinch your cheeks or who recalls knowing you when you were "this big" with their hands so high off the ground (not open wide side to side, my big-boned friends) is not someone from whom you want to hear a comment. This means you, Aunt Hilda.

So you want to hear about the scandalous response I've had to my gaining? Picture it: me working retail, 2008-ish. In walks a customer. Not just any customer. A longtime customer, about 76 years old with white, fabulously permed hair. We'll call her... Gertie? White sweatshirt with daisies hand-painted in three-dimensional puff paint and green running shorts. Short, but not short short, don't worry. Orthopedic running shoes. Socks? You guessed it: pom poms attached. There may have been a fanny pack involved, but I think that's just my fantasy.

Gertie: "Have you put on more weight?"

Me: "Um... maybe?"

Gertie: "You have. Don't do that."

Gertie, continued: "What's my total?"

Orgasm!

So what about you? What's are some of the funniest responses you've had to your personal development or witnessed to others' bigification, if any?